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1. “Are Those Fries I See On That Sandwich?”
What's a sandwich? We eat sammiches around here.
2. “Did You Know You Have An Accent?”
I don't have an accent, YOU have an accent!
3. “So, Are You A Steelers Fan?”
Similar answers have been given to the following questions:
1. Does a bear shit in the woods?
2. Is the Pope Catholic?
3. Did Hillary Clinton win the popular vote by 3 million?
4. “Did You Spill Something?”
5. “What’s A Gumband?”
I believe space aliens refer to this as a "rubber band," but I can't be sure until they release the tapes. And the proper term is "gumban."
6. “How Do You Watch Any Of The Game With A View Like That?”
We're used to it.
7. “What’s A Yinz?”
A nonsensical contraction of "you ones." See also: y'all and you's.
8. “How Close Are You To Philly?”
You've heard the saying that PA is Pittsburgh in the West, Philly in the East and Alabama in between? There's a whole lot of Alabama in between.
9. “Does This Mean You Like Sidney Crosby?”
Of course. Why wouldn't we?
10. “How Exactly Do You Chip A Ham?”
You set the cutter to slice the ham as thin as possible. It takes a real boss of a deli clerk with some impressive upper body strength, because you can't just set it and forget it. You have to use short strokes and that ain't easy.
11. “What’s With All These N’At Stickers Everywhere?”
"N'nat" is the Pittsburgh equivalent of "you know?" It's something we add onto every sentence.
12. “Why Would I Want To Tour A Mattress Factory?”
I asked myself the same question until I realized that The Mattress Factory and The Original Mattress Factory were two different things. Art is not my strong suit.
13. “What Is Going On With That Dinosaur?”
Same thing that is going on with the horse in the Outer Banks and the Guitar in Cleveland. It's kind of a local thing.
14. “What’s A Kennywood?”
Same thing as a Lennywood, but with great rides, and fries with cheese and gravy.
15. “Did You Just Call Me Nebby?”
Did you ask me why I broke up with my boyfriend even though you've only known me for ten minutes? Then yeah, I just called you nebby. If I wanted to be rude, I'd call you a fucking nebshit.
16. “What’s With All The Furniture In The Street?”
The Pittsburgh Chair is an old Pennsylvania Dutch tradition in which you preserve your parallel parking space in deep snows by placing a lawn chair in the space that you have just laboriously shoveled so some other jagoff doesn't come by and steal it without doing any work.
17. “Where Can I Get A Big Mac Around Here?”
Not sure where the article is going with this, because you can find McDonald's here just like you can find it everywhere else in the world.
18. “What’s Up With All These Pictures Of Andy Warhol Everywhere?”
Andy Warhol, aka Andy Warhola, was born in Pittsburgh. No matter how much he wanted to separate himself from us, he's still from Pittsburgh. Take note, Sienna Miller.
19. “How Many Bridges Does Pittsburgh Have?”
Approximately 80 gajillion. Just kidding, about six.
20. “Where Can I Find The Best View In The City?”
The Mount Washington Overlook. If you only like seeing the flashes from the downtown fireworks on the 4th of July, the WalMart parking lot in North Versailles will work.
21. “Won’t You Be My Neighbor?”
This statue is what would happen if David Benioff and D. B. Weiss lost their damn minds and decided that Fred Rogers was really a White Walker.
22. “How Do You Park Around Here In The Winter?”
23. “Okay, But How Does Anyone Drive Around Here… Ever?”
If you live here? You get used to it.
If you don't live here? Godspeed, my friend.
24. “Why Is It Still So Ungodly Cold In April?”
Because the cold air from the North clashes with the hot air coming up from Washington DC, creating some pretty chaotic weather conditions. Pennsylvania's colossal fuckup in 2016 ensures that these weather patterns will continue until at least 2020.
25. “But Wait! We Can’t Drink In Church, Can We?”
Where is this church? Are we talking more than Communion wine? Because any church where you can drink can only be a good thing.
26. “Wait, Why Did You Just Call Me A Jagoff?”
This is seriously my doormat. Got it at World of Values in White Oak.
27. “When Did Pittsburgh Get So Cool?”
We've always been "cool." We have the museums and art galleries of NYC without their housing prices. We have the film industry of Hollywood without the obnoxious paparazzi. We have a mayor dedicated to making the city the vanguard of sustainable energy and community-friendly technology. We're awesome.