None of the following go in the Misc. Books section of the Pit:

* Your original fiction

* A 65 word notice about how you now meet all the requirements to be a beta

* A fic where you get raped and then meet Justin Beiber

* Two identical summaries for two of your (supposedly different) fics

* Your original poetry

* Fics that might actually be fanfiction for some sort of book - not that anyone can tell, as your summary doesn't have a book title, character names, or indeed anything at all that might hint at what fandom you're writing in

* A story about how sad you were when your grandmother died

* YOUR GODDAMN ORIGINAL FICTION

When the fic in question is a shippy story, posted to a ship-centric archive, there's no need to refer to the characters as 'the woman' and 'the man' (as well as variations on this 'the well-dressed man', 'the blonde woman' etc.), and only these epithets, for the first few chapters of the story.

We all know who they are, there's no mystery to be preserved.

Just use their names!

Or 'A response to an idiot anon'.

I'm happy to get reviews on my fics normally. It's a plotty M-rated one with no smut in sight, so I'm resigned to the fact that it's not going to get as many reviews as an M-rated PWP. That said, sometimes I wish people wouldn't bother reviewing.

( This'll get long, I think... )

tl;dr Anon reviewer decides not to read my fic because my icon *points up* is from an adaptation of canon they don't like. The same anon demands that I reverse a character death.

*icon is not related to rant BTW, however rant does apply to all fandoms*

Yes, YMMV and all that, but dear writer, I would sincerly do not want to read anything that has "So and So run over by a reindeer."

I would most sincerly not see "So and So run over by a reindeer to the tune of Rudolph the Red - Nosed Reindeer" as the fricking title!

No love,
Me.

Listen, when you're going to write a Law & Order: SVU fic that involves one of the squad members raping someone, you better have one hell of an explanation for it (because, as we all know, anything can be written well by a good author, and this would actually be a pretty interesting thing to be seen dealt with by a good writer).

I don't care if it's Benson, Stabler, Munch, Fin, the Captain, Cassidy, Jefferies, etc, or Alex, Casey, Warner, Huang, etc etc etc: you're going to have to give me a good reason as to why they're doing it, and, if they're actually enjoying doing it, a great one for that as well.

( I have true examples of explanations you should not use - two concrete ones )

Also, on a related note: none of them will not do anything if they know someone is being or has been raped or abused in any way, unless there is something actually stopping them from doing so (like being strapped in a chair with no way of getting loose and blindfolded, gagged and kept in the dark in a place far away from any civilization with no way of knowing where they are).

Instead of posting 'fic ideas' why not just post an actual fanfic instead and leave your reflection for a blog?

(I so need a shocked icon better than this one...)

Writer,
( Cut for talk of rape )

Ladies and gentlemen! I would like to take a moment to talk about breasts, and ways to describe them.

( If you would kindly follow me... )

tl;dr Learn how bra works, don't describe things with them.

Thank you, and good night.

I decided to find some Friends fic after not reading it for a long time. What I found didn't make me happy.

Yes, it's true that Ross loves Rachel, and that the two are lobsters. He also freaked out when he walked in on Joey and Rachel kissing.

However, he isn't going to try and kill himself just because he walked in on said kiss. He has Ben, Emma, Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe to get him through this.

When Rachel rejected him at the airport in the series finale, all Ross did was go home depressed.

And if Ross tried to jump off the balcony in front of Monica, why would she let him leave her apartment just so he could end up getting him (on purpose?) by a car? That seems kinda stupid on Monica's part.

Edit: Fixed a formatting issue.

Anyone have any good holiday horror stories? I'll start off. I went to the mall today, I should've known better, but I needed to kill some time. Duh is there with his 2 spawn. The little girl is being relatively good. The boy though....He was running around and at a few points, duh has to leave the stroller unnattended so he could go catch the little boy. Now, they were in a little circular area with chairs...There is also a playground in the mall!!!! I swear, I'm opening a mall with a MANDATORY daycare at the door so us CFers can shop without screaming spawn or tripping over them. So, anyone else have any holiday horror stories? Doesn't necessaily have to be out at the mall, it can be within your own family.

Dear Author,

When I see A/B, C/D, E/F, G/H pairings all in the same fic header, I am truly perplexed by this apparent compulsion of yours to pair up everybody in a short fic. It may be YMMV, but when I see something like that, I get the feeling that the latter 3 pairings are either just window dressing or distractions from the main A/B pairing.

Not everybody in the world is gay. And even if they were, they probably wouldn't automatically hook up so neatly and conveniently. Same applies to het and femmeslash.

You don't have to pair up everybody else just because A and B are doing it. Really. You don't.

Sigh,
Me

ETA: I'm just going to link calenlily's comment since she explained my discomfort so much better than I could. :)

Ten sex rants from various fandoms, in no particular order.

( Cut for sexual references and some headdesk moments. )

Edited to fix the TEXT BLOCK OF DOOM.

Not a rant, more of a confuzzlement-ant.

I don't get it, big guy. You wrote a derivative work without permission and posted it on the Internet where people loved and adored it. You are a smokin' writer. Someone loved the idea, and, with your permission, wrote a derivative work of your derivative work (of which you had no permission to write and post on the Internet). Your idea catches on (cause seriously, werewolves are not that original, even if your name for them is). Fastforward a couple of years. You decide to remove your derivative work for reasons you keep to yourself, and then demand that everyone take down their derivative works of your derivative work because you have just rescinded permission.

Um. What? Why is it okay for people to post derivative works willy-nilly without permission, but it's not okay for people to post derivative works of derivative works without permission? Hold up the Harry Potter fandom as an example. JK Rowling specifically denied permission for NC-17 ficcage because she didn't want some hapless kid to google Harry and stumble into a porno shop, but please, fanfic away more kid-friendly stuff to your heart's content. If this has changed since I last looked a year or more ago, then I'm very mistaken. (Not to mention, MPRA explicitly denied permission to use their trademarked rating system). But people do it anyway, and it's okay. But if someone uses someone else's idea in fic or universe without asking, even if they acknowledge and disclaimer, it's wrong.

I'm not feeling angry, ranty, mad, or complainy. I'm just very confused. Why is it this way?

ETA Thanks for responding. It's helpful. :)

Today's Non Sequitur comic. Perfect!
( clicky! )
(Hm, I previewed it and it seems kinda small. Click on the comic if you can't read it. It's just sitting in my scrapbook, so you won't be redirected to anyplace outside of LJ.)

Dear fanfic writers everywhere,

Not everyone will call their significant other pet names like "Honey", "Dear", "Sweetheart", and "Darling". Some people won't even use pet names at all. Others will only use them when they're mocking or teasing their other (and sometimes better) half. A few will try to use them, feel ridiculous, and cut themselves off halfway through.

So please, for the love of whatever god you believe in, actually put some thought into those loving scenes between your favorite pairings.

Vonnix.

Title: A Lesson Learned
Authors: AlexjBlackford & Chance969
Rating:NC-17
Pairing:Loz/Kadaj
Warnings: Language,Yaoi, Non-con, remcest, oral, anal, violence, blood, humiliation
( may not be appropriate for minors )

Earlier today, I was hanging out with a friend and had a great talk about being CF with her. I've only known her for two months, but it was good to hang out and discuss our reasons for being childfree, and it left me feeling good.

(Randomly Placed ETA: I also went to the movies with this friend, and what got me thinking about the CF thing with her was that there was a trailer for a Jackie Chan family movie. Jackie Chan has betrayed me. )= Why do ALL ACTION STARS feel like they need to do a family movie? Is the demographic of parents and young children really worth sacrificing your dignity, Jackie? /end RPETA)

Then I went to work and one of my co-workers got a hold of one of her friend's babies and brought him into the deli. I didn't know how to react to the kid. She was cooing over it and saying, "How could you say no to this face?!?!" I just stared at him. And he stared back at me, cross-eyed and not responding to anything. lol I'm so awkward around kids.

Anyway, I was wondering, is there any specific moment in your life that stands out as being the reason you're childfree? Or is there a specific moment in which you can remember suddenly realizing that you don't have to have kids? I know the second seems kind of silly, but for a lot of us (or maybe it's just me), it always seemed like a kind of inevitability that we were, some day, going to get that urge to have a kid and start that family.

For me, the realization suddenly came to me when I was 15. I was at a school assembly with my then best friend, and somehow the topic of kids came up. I said something about not wanting a kid or not wanting one until later in life, I can't remember my exact wording. What I do remember is her reaction. She looked at me shocked and said, "You mean you aren't excited to have a little baby in your belly, have a cute little bump and be a mommy?"

The thought honestly made me shudder. Everything that she said sounded hideous to me. I had thought that I would get the maternal urge at some point in my life, but my friends were already dying to have kids, or at least planning on it for the future, while I had no urge. I actually hated the thought, and no matter how easy my mom says her pregnancies and births were, I'm such a wuss about pain that I immediately go HELL. NO.

So, what about you guys? Did you have "AHA!" moments like that?

"Hey guys! I don't own anyone in this story except my OC. Trust me, she's great. You'll love her! If you have any questions about her or want to know more about her then please PM me! I'll write a summary about her in a later chapter. But please don't steal her for your own story. If you do, I'll know about it! LOL! But seriously don't steal her. I'm very proud of her and don't want to see her in anyone else's hands. LOL"


Okay, so there's nothing neccessarily wrong with your OC, author. She isn't a Sue and she helps carry the story along. But you really need to tone down your appreciation of her. It's starting to get in the way of the story.

I mean, do you really need to tell us in EVERY chapter how great you think she is?
And do you really need to keep warning readers not to steal her for their own work?

You wrote in chapter 1's disclaimer how much you loved her and how you didn't want anybody stealing her, then you wrote a similar thing in the A/N at the end of the chapter. Fair enough, that should be the end of it, right?
But instead of writing a chapter 2, you decided to write an A/N consisting of your OC's life story, which was longer than the first chapter itself and had no relevance to the fic's plot at all.
Then in chapter 3 you continued the story...after writing YET ANOTHER paragraph on how great you thought your OC was and how you didn't want readers to steal her.
Then you broke up the next few chapters with A/N's in the middle of the story (a big no-no in itself) with small notes like: "Remember to PM me if you want to find out more about my OC!"

What the hell, author? Your story was well-written, interesting and the characters were IC. And your OC isn't that bad either, even if her role in the story is rather generic and has been done numerous times in other fics in this fandom. So why-oh-why are you destroying your fic with your strange obsession with your own OC? :(

Sincerely,

A very disappointed reader